Detergent: The First Lost Episode
by a.k. Sparverine
Summary: Parody of Seinfeld


DETERGENT: The First Lost Episode  
  
CAST: Kenas Detergent  
  
Destiny Tutiani  
  
Thate NeMoc  
  
Celisira Bavecs  
  
Sanchino Fernasandro  
  
Schmoer Nanarkinson  
  
ACT I SC I JOFFEE PT. I  
  
[Lights fade on as Kenas and Thate are arguing over which is better  
  
...Jolt Cola or Coffee. Both enter from Stage Left. Sanchino with a half-  
  
empty bottle of soda enters from the audience.]  
  
Kenas: Jolt Cola is better, Thate, since it has all the sugar and twice the caffeine.  
  
[Holds up a can of Jolt Cola.]  
  
Thate : [Smelling his cup of coffee.] Can you smell it, Kenas? [Breaks into horrible singing.]  
  
The best part of wakin' up is coffee in your cup! Not Jolt Cola.  
  
Kenas: Wrong, Thate! Wrong for the umpteenth...  
  
[Sanchino comes running down the aisle spilling the soda all over the stage.]  
  
Kenas: You idiot! Why'd you spill that all over my floor, Sanchino?  
  
Sanchino: Jzzzt! J-J-J-Joffee...[Shakes and jitters and then goes to normal.] The janitor can clean it up, Kenas.  
  
Kenas: Janitor?! Sanchino, I'm on the 22nd floor...I don't think a janitor should come to clean a little spill.  
  
Sanchino: Jzzzt! You don't say...well, if it's so little, why don't you clean it up?  
  
Kenas: I don't know what that stuff is...could be contaminated.  
  
Sanchino: Jzzzt! It's just Joffee...and I gotta go make some more now.  
  
Thate: Joffee? What the crap is that?  
  
Sanchino: Jzzzt! Still gettin' a buzz from it, it'll pass...Joffee is a concoction confection   
  
comprised of Jolt Cola and coffee...3 times the caffeine and more than enough sugar.  
  
Kenas: Before you go, how much of that...have you had?  
  
Sanchino: 10 liters and I'm clean as a whistle...this stuff flushes my system like nothin' else on the market.  
  
Thate: 10 liters...isn't that a little extreme of a dose? If not, can I have a taste? You know, a sip.  
  
Sanchino: If not for that guy, I wouldn't have tripped onto your floor.  
  
Thate: What guy? This is real life, Sanchino.  
  
Sanchino: Jzzzt! That buzz is still kickin'...and to answer your earlier question...Sorry, man, but   
  
this hasn't been made for anyone but me.  
  
[Sanchino leaves via Stage Left.]  
  
Kenas: Now, there goes one overly-caffeinated skitzo!  
  
Thate: Sure, 'bout that...  
  
[Schmoer enters from Stage Left, looking rather panicked.]  
  
Kenas: Begone, Schmoer! Your pestilence is not welcome here!  
  
Schmoer: Kenas, do you know where Sanchino is? Today is our First Cousin's Second Sister   
  
Twice Removed Son's Neighborhood Friend's Grandmother Who Is Actually Our Mother's Day.   
  
Kenas: No. Nein. Non. Nyet. So long, Schmoer.  
  
Schmoer: I'll be back...Kenas...[Evil laugh and exits Stage Left.]  
  
Thate: Is that even a holiday and...  
  
Kenas: Is that relationship possible? No, Thate, but there is a bigger fish to fry. We need to stop Sanchino   
  
from makin' more Joffee...otherwise, we'll never be able to argue again.  
  
[While the following conversation is occurring, Destiny and Celisira are looking at Kenas and Thate   
  
through binoculars and sneaking/tip-toeing onto the stage from the audience.]  
  
Thate: I see your point, but how? And when are Celisira and Destiny comin' over?  
  
Kenas: You mean Destiny and Celisira...Soon.   
  
Thate: Destiny and Thate sounds better than Destiny and Kenas, c'mon!   
  
Kenas: Destiny's my girlfriend, that's why.  
  
Destiny: Kenas, you're late...I'm leavin'. [Goes to stage right.]  
  
Kenas: That's a closet, Destiny.  
  
Destiny: Just testin' you...  
  
["Weird music" plays as lights fade out.]  
  
ACT I SC II JOFFEE PT. II  
  
[Lights fade back on and the four are still talking.]  
  
Thate: Celisira, why were you sneakin'?  
  
Celisira: Thate, I drank with another man.  
  
Thate: Who? What?  
  
Celisira: Sanchino. Joffee.  
  
Kenas and Thate: Joffee?! Sanchino?!  
  
Destiny: I drank as well. Good stuff. Makes us really, really like him. Well, Celisira and I are leaving.   
  
[Kisses Kenas and Celisira kisses Thate.]  
  
Thate: Do we ever leave your living room, Kenas?  
  
Kenas: Nope, Thate and I blame the government and aliens.  
  
Thate: Frookular!  
  
[Sanchino and Schmoer run in with a paper bag and tug on it.]  
  
Schmoer: The formula is mine, Sanchino. Plus, I have a date tonight!  
  
Sanchino: A date? Who? The Bearded Lady? The formula is mine and was not meant for love, Schmoer!  
  
Kenas: As much as you two bickerin' back and forth is better than you two talkin' to me, I have to say that Joffee must be given away.   
  
[Looks into the audience and points to a person.]  
  
Kenas: Hey kid, want some Joffee? Trust me, it's probably just Pepsi or Coca-Cola.  
  
[If the person says yes, then...]  
  
Kenas: See me after the show.  
  
[If the person says no or does not say anything...]  
  
Kenas: Your loss.  
  
Sanchino: He's right, let's get rid of this drink and start somethin' else...  
  
Schmoer: We still got 12 minutes left of FCSSTRSNFGWIAOM Day.  
  
Sanchino: You're right...let's go...  
  
[Sanchino and Schmoer exit Stage Left.]  
  
Thate: [Looks at his wrist.] Kenas, I gotta go...somethin's bound to come up. See ya tomorrow.  
  
Kenas: Yea, see ya, Thate.  
  
[Lights fade out and "weird music" plays again as the cast comes for the curtain call.] 


End file.
